Tag Archives: National Novel Writing Month

IMPOSTER SYNDROME AND RACISM IN MY WRITING

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I think perhaps that my first personal blog post since 2017 suggests I’ve had imposter issues for a long time. I’m attempting to gather up my courage for Camp NaNoWriMo in July, and have had the dickens of a time with my motivation, in part due to some recent revelations.

What got me to post this? A couple of FB posts from an old friend about racism in fiction and D&D. I was simply going to reply on his wall until I discovered I had written a novella.

So Ed, here is my reply to your posts.

My very first, unfinished novel (barely 50k words written for NaNoWriMo in 2005) started as a coming of age novel where I could work through some of my childhood issues, challenges to my self-esteem with both my social situation and complications with my family.  

Although set in a fictional fantasy world, the core of the novel was about bullying. Bullying because the MC’s father was a European-modeled outlander, hence the MC (living on an isolated fictional AAPI island) was treated horribly by most of the other islanders. This race of islanders were exclusively dark-skinned. His white father, and mixed-race brother, were both banished from the island (in the backstory), because of their skin tones. In the story, there were superstitions about outlanders, and because of the remoteness of the island, the very few outlanders had their own racist notions about native and were in their own ways cruel, modeled after our world. Think pirates and shipwreck survivors.

The MC’s brother, who is bisexual – relevant to the novel – in his youth tried to fit in and act straight, but he was despised for his speckled cheeks and flame-red hair. He was later banished for kissing a native girl, whom he honestly loved. I developed his character later, in another prequel-style novel (also unfinished), where after being ostracized and banished, was captured by pirates and sold into slavery by an Ottoman-style, extremely racist society. 

Also, magic exists in the world, and complicates everyone’s lives. 

These stories were originally inspired by my own experiences with bullies, ostracized as a kid for being fat, geeky and different from my peers. My imagination and writing creativity took over from there. 

Sure, there were some commonalities between myself and my characters (there always are with writers), but when I was working on the re-write for last November’s NaNo, I developed serious Imposter Syndrome. 

Who the hell am I to tell a story about a race that I am not part of, even if fictional? 

Did I write these stories because I am an unwitting, ignorant racist? 

The stories were about the struggle of non-inclusion and being mistreated for being different, and character choices: whether to just try to fit in and behave (as I did as a kid), or to stand up and find strength in one’s self, and a decent self-image. Also, I tried to capture how it feels to be bullied for being different, and that even though the MC has one friend who does not judge the color of his skin (a character who represents goodness of heart), the protagonist cannot filter out the bad emotions brought about by so many others – specifically the leadership of the community, who are written as over-the-top racists.

So, as much as I loved the characters and the story I had written, and as much as I wanted it to be a coming of age story with a ton of character growth (the MC was a teen), I abandoned both projects because I HAVE NO CLUE what it is like to be AAPI, or bisexual. I have never suffered anything like racism, only what I saw in the world around me and in historical context (and other fiction I consumed).

I consider myself a good person, and I hate to think of myself as racist, but after some serious thought and soul-searching, I am still stymied. I was raised in a family where one parent was racist and the other was genuinely kind and open-minded, showing me unconditional love. I always objected to the slurs and attitudes of the closed-minded parent, and sometimes even called them out for their behavior, which earned me more bullying and a few backhands to the face or belt strokes across my butt. 

Obviously, there is something about these issues that resonated with me and attracted me to write those storylines, but, since November, I have not written much. On ANY story. That Imposter Syndrome has sucked the life out of my imagination, and I am second-guessing everything, including my own identity. (Certainly Covid has not helped, keeping me isolated and fearful).

I have only discussed this (and then, only vaguely) with my therapist. Privately. I feel extremely vulnerable sharing this, publicly. 

Am I way off base here?

Am I allowed to write about horrible things, even if the specific things were not done to me? I’ve never been captured by pirates and sold into slavery. I’ve never been forced to choose whether to warn and protect the villagers who bullied me (and worse) that pirates have landed on the far side of the island, intent on capturing them all and selling them as slaves.

I feel I have no right to even consider these fit subjects for my Cis White self.

Objectively, I thought the MC’s dilemma would have been a great character moment and a compelling turning point for the plot of that first novel. 

But with all I hear these days about white privilege, and authors who “in their day” and “with their cultural background” were racist as fuck, yet still are time-honored for their literary prowess, I am intimidated to think I have any right to tackle such topics (not that I would ever claim to have their prowess – at best I am a hack writer who makes up stories because I loved being a Dungeon Master in D&D and I love writing about cheesy pirates).

Even as afraid as I am, I would value your ideas on this topic, so please <cringe> comment your thoughts on my dilemma. I need to get out of this rut, find my genital fortitude, and get back to one of the few things that brings me joy – writing.

PS: One small note: If I were simply writing for myself, this would be less intimidating. I could simply vomit cruddy words into the computer and delete them once I was finished. But, I believe I have talent, and I have things to say, even if they are not as deep as other novelists. I wish to someday publish and sell my stories. The fact that others, people better than myself, might pick up one of my stories and call me out as a racist hack (the hack part I am okay with) has paralyzed me. I fear being labeled, and these fears are what have put my knickers in a bind. I am a coward, I admit it. But am I also a racist coward? And if so, how can I fix or change that?

PSS: A wise person once told me, “You can’t get your panties in a bunch if you are not wearing panties.” Freeing myself from the constraints of fear and anxiety is the emotional equivalent of going commando, I think.


Just a little update

Hi Friends.

Wanted to let you know that I performed a little revision on Chapter Four. I added a tasty tidbit about the adversary that I had intended for a later chapter but realized I needed to slip it into Creed’s account of his dreamwalking. Enjoy.

Also, look for Chapter Five within the next few days.

~Mark

All images and content copyright © 2011-2014 ~ Mark Adam Thomas


Coming Up For Air – An Update

Hi Friends.

Good news and bad news (well, not really bad news, just not so good news).

The good news is that I am feeling much better and I have come a long ways to catching up on my word count. The bad news is that I am not yet caught up, like I had planned. If I continue at the pace of the last few days, I should catch up by Monday or Tuesday.

Thursday is a dead writing day, turkeys and friends and all. That leaves me Friday and Saturday to zoom ahead and win NaNoWriMo (50K words). The other not good news is that even though I am past the 30,000 word count, I am not yet half-way through the plot of my story. Instead of being 60,000 words as planned, it looks like it will be closer to 90,000. Gulp. This means that I probably won’t finish the first draft until mid to late December.

Continue reading


Swimming Upstream

Hi Friends.

As you may know, I have been under the weather this last week. It is not serious, just sinus headaches and chest congestion/coughing. As a result, I have not been sleeping, and concentrating on my novel has been difficult.

Consequently, my word count for NaNoWriMo is sadly, pathetically behind. I am currently at 12,000 words, where I should be at 25,000.

No. I am not giving up on NaNo. No way, no how.

But what this means is that I need to focus on speed-writing so I can catch up. Posting chapters here, out of necessity, makes for much slower writing. I am a lot more mindful of my choices. My inner editor keeps hammering at my brain to fix things, knowing that an audience will be reading it (and soon). And, I absolutely must give the chapter at least a cursory edit before posting it. All these things slow me down.

The biggest anchor to my word count speed, however, is research. In order to send this stuff out here, I need to do some preliminary fact-checking, looking up appropriate setting info, and spending time with the lingo, and word choices (i.e. my thesaurus).

During a typical NaNo November, I cast aside all these precautions and simply write, knowing that I will catch all the errors, fix the crud, and look stuff up – during the editing process. That is December’s work.

I type away, inner editor safely boxed up (duct tape works well), and when I hit a snag, I just make a comment or note in the work, and speed on. My manuscripts are rife with little yellow boxes surrounding words or phrases that need work or research.

Yes, you guessed it. Because I need to focus on my word count, because I need to catch up, I can’t afford the time it takes to polish (limited though it may be) the chapters for publication here on my blog.

I am going to speed through, type furiously, and pump out my 50K words before November 30th. If, and only if, I get significantly ahead of my daily word count, will I consider posting more chapters. But on the upside, December is editing month… half a month is not so long to wait and see what happens to Creed and Nika.

I have the whole work plotted, and I know all the twists and turns. I just have to get it into my computer.

Also, because I lost a week of writing (so far – I am still not over this gunk), I have cancelled all my regular DJ shows in Second Life, until December. I’ll kick this cold, and I will catch up.

I care abut my writing. It matters to me. It matters that it is enjoyable. So I don’t want to send out work that I am not completely ready to release.

Thanks for understanding, and please don’t hesitate to leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.

Mark Adam Thomas

All images and content copyright © 2011-2014 ~ Mark Adam Thomas


Testing the Waters

Hey everyone.

I am setting up my new WordPress blog. This is a test entry.

My intention for this blog is two-fold:

First, I will be sharing my thoughts on the writing process. These might be regarding my own personal encounters, how I am feeling about my writing, my struggles and conquests, and the like. I may also share other writer’s thoughts and blogs.

Second, it is my intent to provide readers with samples of my writing, be it snippets of prose (or the occasional poetry), or chapters from my stories.

That being said, with NaNoWriMo swiftly approaching, it is my intent to post my raw, unedited chapters here in my blog. I felt it fitting as my story is a pulp horror tale, which may prove effective being presented in such a serialized format.

I certainly welcome all feedback (as long as it is constructive, or at least not flaming).

If you find my stories entertaining, amusing, or noteworthy, by all means please share my blog with your friends and circles.

All images and content copyright © 2011-2014 ~ Mark Adam Thomas